More than marrying a fireman; more than anything else in the world, I want to be a torchbearer in an Olympic torch relay. I never talk about it. Even the people closest to me don’t even know. Except my sister, who laughed at me when I told her. But she’s that way.
This year, the American leg of the relay is incredibly short and in San Francisco. Sure it’s pretty, but all those hills? I think the Chinese hate us.
Anyway, I thought I’d share the application process with you. Because the eligibility requirements are six pages long, I’ll do some paraphrasing.
Here we go. Are you as excited as I am?!
Applications must be received before February 3, 2008.
OK. That’s Sunday.
Completely fill in your personal information.
It’s mostly contact information and a personal reference. I’m sure my sister can laugh her way through it.
Must be 14 years of age (born before August 8, 1994)
Check
Must be a legal resident of the US, Canada or Mexico
Check
Must be physically able to complete the task of carrying the Olympic Flame a designated distance.
What is a “designated distance”? A normal torch relay leg is four hundred meters. So it’s like when I’m driving on the freeway fully engaged in a conversation with myself about me, pretending the Bluetooth in my ear is hooked up to my phone (but I really just charge it so the light blinks and I don’t look crazy), and I see the quarter mile sign, yell, “Oh shit!” and have to cut across three lanes. I can run that, unless it’s uphill. Then I’ll just walk. What are they going to do really? I’ll already have the torch and if they try and take it away, I can prolong an argument for a few minutes until I get to the next torchbearer.
Write an essay of 200 words or less that speaks to one of the following:
Here’s another snag. The whole sustainable journey theme is a little unclear to begin with. Really read those questions. What the fuck are they asking me? Did my mom write these?
I’m just spitballing here, but maybe I can find a way to make one of these work in fewer than two hundred words.
- What sustains you on your personal journey for excellence?
Starchy foods and co-dependence
- How is your personal journey making your community, your country, and the world more sustainable?
I’m not sure about this one. The closest idea I have is that I continue to move forward and try to learn from my experience. I don’t contribute on a level much higher than one on one, but understanding how identify with someone else and just be a person who understands. Being able to talk about how I got through the harder times reminds me how far I’ve come and frees me from regret. By acting with compassion towards people in pain, we all become better people who treat people better.
(You think they’ll buy that?)
- What are you doing to contribute to San Francisco’s sustainable journey?
Making racist jokes and watching The Secret
- Why should you be considered to carry the Olympic Torch in San Francisco?
Because I know where you live, motherfuckers.
So I’ll work on the essay, but Beijing also has a set of requirements:
-Commit to uphold the Olympic spirit and dedicate themselves to the Olympic Movement
If this means I have to go on experimental drugs or inject myself with horse semen to pass doping tests, I’m already ahead of the game.
-Support the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games
What level of support? Can I just watch it on TV, or do I have to go there and buy tickets to things like rowing so it looks like people actually care? Either way, can I bring a book?
-Be distinguished for remarkable feats in his/her profession or community or for a personal story that serves to inspire or motivate others
Maybe I can tell the story about getting a colonoscopy without any anesthetic, or when I went to a fisting party to be a supportive friend.
-Be willing and dedicated to community services
I lie about having had sex with other men to donate blood, and once I cleaned trash off the beach to get out of work for half a day. Also, I volunteered for AIDS Project Los Angeles until I projectile vomited onto an ice sculpture at a benefit because I was high on heroin. Or I could tell the Chinese about volunteering as a crime scene counselor for two years. One of those should work.
-Be distinguished for contributions to the Olympic Movement or for extraordinary performance at past Olympic Games.
I use Kodak film to take pictures of me drinking Diet Coke that I pay for with my Visa card.
Four years ago, I told my sister about the torch relay and how great it sounded; I even sent her the link to Coca-Cola sponsored website to nominate someone else. I called her after she looked at it and she said, “Sounds great. So are you going to nominate me?”
And I did. It was when I told her to nominate me too that she laughed. But she’s just that way.
B
