When iPhones came out, I felt I needed one. Sure, it would be convenient. It would make things easier. I could use my phone as an iPod. In the car. Or when I go running. Or when I’m brushing my unicorn.
Though in theory I was buying a phone, I was buying a lot more than that. I was buying an idea of myself. I wouldn’t be a someday kind of guy anymore. Living in the past with my pink razr that was quickly becoming obsolete and oddly less pink. More of a magenta, really. It wasn’t as bad as Kevin’s pebl. It was green. And weird. And dumb.
Don’t tell him I said that. I told him it wasn’t that bad.
But it was.
Anyway, my iPhone would take me to new places. Like Hyde. And I’d run into the Olsen twins and talk about how Lindsay Lohan can’t just get it together for one night. I mean, it’s her best friend’s birthday and she’s walking around here like a drunken idiot with one side of her thong caught on her knee.
This imaginary conversation was back before we all found out the hard way Lindsay didn’t wear panties.
Then Paris would float over with her helium head and her sidekick, and introduce herself to the same people for the tenth time.
“No. It’s Brandon.”
“Bradley?”
“Yeah. Fine.”
Stupid bitch. Mary Kate would roll her eyes and mouth, “I know.” Ashley pretends to ignore it. That’s why she’ll always do better than Mary Kate. Better battle picker.
So I got the phone and it was an event. Suddenly, a world of slow internet connections and dropped calls was at my fingertips. I could almost call anyone, almost connect to any website. Almost do anything.
And at the same time, I was left with the someday this will all be fixed. Someday it will be faster and better.
Time passed and long gone were the days of me and the mental Olsen twins. If they killed Heath Ledger, what chance did I have against their wondertwin powers?
Then the announcement of a faster, better iPhone. With apps! I could solve so many of my problems with this newer, faster phone!
The biggest problem I’ve solved is what to do instead of texting when I’m on the toilet. And today, I’m fine with that.
B
Though in theory I was buying a phone, I was buying a lot more than that. I was buying an idea of myself. I wouldn’t be a someday kind of guy anymore. Living in the past with my pink razr that was quickly becoming obsolete and oddly less pink. More of a magenta, really. It wasn’t as bad as Kevin’s pebl. It was green. And weird. And dumb.
Don’t tell him I said that. I told him it wasn’t that bad.
But it was.
Anyway, my iPhone would take me to new places. Like Hyde. And I’d run into the Olsen twins and talk about how Lindsay Lohan can’t just get it together for one night. I mean, it’s her best friend’s birthday and she’s walking around here like a drunken idiot with one side of her thong caught on her knee.
This imaginary conversation was back before we all found out the hard way Lindsay didn’t wear panties.
Then Paris would float over with her helium head and her sidekick, and introduce herself to the same people for the tenth time.
“No. It’s Brandon.”
“Bradley?”
“Yeah. Fine.”
Stupid bitch. Mary Kate would roll her eyes and mouth, “I know.” Ashley pretends to ignore it. That’s why she’ll always do better than Mary Kate. Better battle picker.
So I got the phone and it was an event. Suddenly, a world of slow internet connections and dropped calls was at my fingertips. I could almost call anyone, almost connect to any website. Almost do anything.
And at the same time, I was left with the someday this will all be fixed. Someday it will be faster and better.
Time passed and long gone were the days of me and the mental Olsen twins. If they killed Heath Ledger, what chance did I have against their wondertwin powers?
Then the announcement of a faster, better iPhone. With apps! I could solve so many of my problems with this newer, faster phone!
The biggest problem I’ve solved is what to do instead of texting when I’m on the toilet. And today, I’m fine with that.
B
Posted by Peanut Butter And Jealous 
